


Into the Light

by BlackVelvet42



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Crew as Family, Episode: s05e01 Night, F/M, Kathryn Janeway Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:42:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVelvet42/pseuds/BlackVelvet42
Summary: “The endless night was over and Voyager was safe, but as the wide smiles and bursts of laughter filled the air, she found herself unable to join their enthusiasm.”
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 44
Kudos: 105
Collections: Kathryn Janeway Needs A Hug





	Into the Light

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you coffeeblack75 for organizing so many sweet hugs for our beloved KJ, and for betaing this fic!

* * *

Witnessing the first stars and nebulas emerge on the viewscreen after months-long travel in absolute darkness was like waking up from a dream.

Along with everyone else on the bridge, Kathryn had to blink and blink again to make sure the lights and colors were truly there and not just a fantasy of a strained mind. The endless night was over and _Voyager_ was safe, but as the wide smiles and bursts of laughter filled the air, she found herself unable to join their enthusiasm. Even though the life around her lifted some of the weight off her shoulders, she could still feel the darkness twined into her being, refusing to free her quite yet, and the contrast to the joy of her crew was too huge to bear.

With a tone brighter than she felt, she ordered Tom to set a course for the nearest star system, then withdrew to her ready room. A cup of coffee in hand, she stood by the windows and counted her blessings.

The sudden danger had pulled everyone out of their anxiety, irritability, and boredom with a start, the unforeseen challenge possibly the luckiest thing that could have happened to the crew. Her included. In the end, the ship’s need for a captain had proven stronger than the abyss of self-blame and regret she had sunken into, like a miracle cure when she had abandoned all hope of ever resurfacing. Dealing with the Malon had kept her days busy and her mind focused on the present, but now that the action had quieted, she was forced to reflect on the past months.

Bluntly put, she had been close to a total breakdown, similar to the one she had experienced after losing her father and fiancé. A week longer and the crew would have had to turn to Chakotay for leadership, perhaps for the rest of their journey. The descent into darkness hadn’t been quite so sharp this time, and while she didn’t expect the recovery ahead to be so painful either, she knew healing would still take more than returning to her ordinary routines. Only now she didn’t have the persistent care of her family or the vast resources of Starfleet Medical to help her.

Not for the first time, Kathryn wished there had been a counselor on board. The crew had adapted to the many hardships of their travel amazingly well, turning to each other for comfort and support, but as captain, she didn’t have that luxury. The only person she could imagine letting that close was Chakotay – and even him at a secure distance. Encountering another phenomenon like the void was unlikely, but the Delta Quadrant would find other ways to test her and the shadows within her would always be waiting. Given the chance, the darkness would no doubt claim her again and without professional help, her position left her ultimately without a safety net.

The melancholy in her chest growing heavier, her thoughts revolving around a dead-end, she didn’t hear the doors open and wasn’t aware of Harry’s presence until he cleared his throat.

Skipping all formalities, he strode to her with long, determined steps and once he was standing in front of her, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, catching her completely by surprise. Then he stepped back and looked at her with a grave solemnness. Opening his mouth as if to say something but losing his nerve at the last second, he turned and left without uttering a word.

She never got a word out of her mouth either. Even the cup stayed in her hand all through the scene, her every muscle frozen in the face of the unexpected demonstration of affection. When she was alone again, she glanced over the room as if the explanation for the strange encounter could be found there, then shrugged and resumed her coffee. It was Harry and one of his sentimental outbursts, surely born from the relief of leaving the void, nothing more. The time must have been difficult for him too and if hugging her made him feel better, she would not object. Besides, if she was honest, the lingering sensation of his arms around her was oddly energizing, the prospect of going back to her duties less daunting than a minute ago.

She had planned on ordering lunch from the replicator and enjoying it in the privacy of her ready room, but after Harry’s visit, making an appearance among the crew felt not only advisable but also unavoidable. Most likely, there were others who needed reassurance as well, the kind of boost in confidence and spirit only the captain’s presence could bring.

Walking down the corridors, greeting each passing crewmember with a warm smile and an encouraging nod, her performance was every bit worthy of the leader she strived to be but left her feeling shaky, as if stumbling on unfamiliar ground. At the mess hall doors, she took a steadying breath. A quick lunch, she decided, then she would retreat to her ready room. Clearly, she wasn’t back to full strength yet and needed to take things slower than she would have preferred.

Not two steps into the mess hall, however, she was pulled into the spotlight.

“Captain Janeway, is it really you? How good to see you!”

Arms open and apron fluttering, Neelix rushed to her and grabbed her into a bear hug, a room full of people witnessing. Holding her for far longer than was comfortable, he told her in colorful expressions how worried he had been for her – how worried they all had been – when weeks had passed, and she was nowhere to be seen or heard. He made no attempt to contain his excitement and delight, and after squeezing her to bruises, he took her hand, led her to a table, and announced he would be honored to serve her the first decent meal she’d had in months. Sitting there, all too aware of the compassionate looks coming her way, the fundamental shift in balance gradually dawned on her.

She wasn’t the unbreakable leader guiding her wounded crew out of the darkness and into the light. This time, it was the other way around. She was the wounded. The crew wasn’t blind or stupid. The weeks she had spent isolated in her quarters had spoken loud and clear of her mental state, and now that she was ready to reclaim her role as captain, she would have to accomplish it with her weakness bared.

She’d never felt more exposed in her life.

Needing to escape and hide, if only for a minute, she headed to engineering. She asked B’Elanna for a report on damage from their travel through the vortex, and although they both knew getting that information didn’t require a personal visit, B’Elanna indulged her anyway. Listening to her soothing voice and watching the hypnotic eddies of the warp core, Kathryn relaxed, her attention beginning to drift.

People meant well. The emptiness of the void had been a trial for everyone, the abrupt return to regular space and everyday routines a shock, no matter how welcome. Maybe they all just needed time to adapt. Maybe she was overreacting.

She didn’t notice B’Elanna had stopped talking until the woman gently touched her hand resting on the railing.

“Captain, are you alright?”

And there was that look again. Like she was broken.

“Yes, B’Elanna. I’m sorry, my thoughts were somewhere else for a second. You were saying?” She hoped to steer the conversation back to safer waters, but a window had already opened for another disclosure.

“I wanted to tell you something. Something I often thought about when you were … gone,” B’Elanna began and Kathryn steeled herself. “For a very long time, I lived my life convinced that I was alone. Ever since my father left us, all the way until I met my Maquis family, I pushed away everyone who came too close, leaving them before they got the chance to leave me, angry and sad and determined to make it on my own. But then one person saw past my anger and into my loneliness, stayed by my side whatever I did, and told me I would never be alone again. I still remember the power of those words. They changed my life.”

She turned to look straight at her. “I guess what I’m trying to say is … You’re not alone either, Captain.”

There was a reason Kathryn had intuitively found her way to engineering and it wasn’t just the steady pulsing of _Voyager_ ’s heart. She admired B’Elanna’s fire, respected her resilience, and, in many ways, felt she was a kindred spirit. Yes, she could easily imagine this strong, willful woman reacting like her; keeping her pain hidden, set to heal her wounds on her own, or fade away trying. And she did appreciate her gesture.

But she wasn’t her and their situations were too different to compare. She was the captain. She was in control, had to be. There was no other option.

Entering the bridge, she scanned the room, wary of any more breaches of protocol or plans to invade her personal space. No matter how well intentioned, the sympathy and support were becoming more a burden than a blessing, the repeated crossing of personal boundaries interfering with her struggle to cope.

Tuvok stood at his station and greeted her with his typical composure. At last, one person she could trust not to fuss over her extended solitude. She gave him a thankful smile, but as she walked past him, a sensation of warmth brushed her mind, ever so lightly, filling her with unexpected peace. A Vulcan version of solace, she was sure of it, but didn’t dare to confront him. 

Making her way down to the command level, her blood pressure was on the rise again.

At the conn, Tom turned to her with a radiant smile, but instead of a cheeky remark or the casual banter that ordinarily followed, he regarded her with a shadow of concern in his eyes, as if checking she was still holding up. She sat down in her command chair, tense and irritated, and when Chakotay spoke, the last of her tolerance evaporated.

In a poorly veiled attempt to bring her up to date on her responsibilities and pull her into socializing, as if she couldn’t or wouldn’t do it herself, he suggested they re-initiate their weekly dinners, starting tonight, saying they had much to discuss. He wasn’t even asking her, not really. He was telling her, as if he knew what was best for her.

She wanted to scream. Or punch them all in the face. Preferably both. She was coming back from depression, not death, for fuck’s sake. All she needed was for people to back away and act like they always had, not tiptoe around her and treat her like she was made of glass. With time to think and room to breathe, she would survive, she always did.

Deeming it wisest to flee before she would lash out and say something she would regret, she left the bridge in Chakotay’s capable hands and headed to sickbay.

The Doctor looked utterly surprised to see her appear for the checkup he had insisted on, but managed to withhold the sarcastic comments she suspected boiling under his calm demeanor. As usual, his questions were plenty and his examination unnecessarily meticulous and for once she endured the procedure patiently. If nothing else, the stay in sickbay was a much-needed distraction and an excuse to avoid going back to the bridge. After a day heavy with emotion, his strict professionalism was a refreshing break.

But, ultimately, even the Doctor couldn’t restrain himself. At the end of what seemed like the longest medical in Starfleet history, he declared her fit for duty and welcomed her back to the land of the living. Then, in a soft voice that felt like it was reserved for the most fragile patients, he conveyed his sincere wish that she take care of herself and come back to see him if her mood took even the slightest turn for the worse.

To crown the day, on her way out she ran into Seven. The urge to speak was written all over the young woman’s face and Kathryn stopped, bracing herself as Seven considered her choice of words.

“It is my understanding you are recovering from an episode of clinical depression, are you not?”

Trust an ex-Borg to blurt out what others shunned.

“Is that what they say?”

Seven raised a brow. “No. ‘They’ do not say anything. My observation was simply a deduction based on your prolonged isolation and personality traits.”

Kathryn sighed, so very, very tired of the day. “I see.”

“I have no recommendations to give, Captain, but I do hope you feel better soon.”

“Thank you, Seven,” was all she could reply, shoulders slumped in defeat.

In the solitude of her quarters, she threw aside her jacket and collapsed on the couch, drained of all strength, both physical and emotional.

Everything was … too much. The overwhelming attention, the flood of compassion, the empathy, the advice. Without the shield of her rank and the illusion of her as the distant, tireless leader, she was bared to the world with little means to protect herself. Every kind word and touch pierced right through to her, leaving her vulnerable at a moment when she desperately needed the walls around her wounded, slowly healing soul.

The chime from the door startled her back to the present, but despite her best efforts to gather herself, she wasn’t able to fool her first officer.

“Rough day, huh?”

It wasn’t a question. Rather the recognition of a fact.

“Let’s just say it was interesting.”

She motioned him inside. During the day’s rollercoaster ride of emotion, she had forgotten their dinner plans, and she sought for the energy to manage this one last chore before sleep.

“Let me guess. Everyone wanted to show you support in some way, poking their noses into your privacy without any discretion whatsoever?”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about.”

“You were gone for a long time.”

Chakotay studied her closely, as if searching for something. When she didn’t respond, he moved closer. 

“You’re important to them, Kathryn,“ he said quietly. “Their strength. Their hope. If you fall, they fall. But even more, they care for you, and although they will always treat you with the respect and obedience accorded by your captaincy, they see the woman behind that rank, too. They see one of them, alone and suffering. Can you truly blame them for expressing their joy to see you back and wishing there was something they could do for you?”

Her throat tight, she shook her head and looked away.

“No, I suppose I can’t.”

Deep down, she had known everything Chakotay said even before he laid it out for her. Going through the day was just easier if she didn’t acknowledge her own frailty or the extent of her crew’s devotion. Anger was so much easier than insecurity.

“From the bottom of my heart, I hope there won’t be a next time, Kathryn, but since you’re still not made of tritanium and we still have a good forty-thousand light years to go … could you please consider accepting help if you notice your mood sinking again?”

She kept her eyes on the stars outside her window, a blush on her cheeks, tears threatening to spill.

He was right, of course, like everyone else she had spoken to that day. She wasn’t indestructible, no matter how much she wanted to be, or how much simpler it would make her job. She wasn’t an island either; a meaningful connection to others was essential for her well-being too.

This time, she couldn’t even manage a nod.

“Tell you what,” Chakotay finally said after a silence. “Tomorrow, let’s put the crew to work.”

She turned to face him, confused by the change in his tone.

“For people to concentrate on their duties instead of their captain, let’s initiate a ship-wide systems check, repairs of every conduit, recalibrations of every sensor. Hell, let’s order them to crawl and clean the Jefferies tubes while we’re at it.”

A helpless laugh escaped her lips, her heart swelling with gratitude for his humor steering them away from a conversation too heavy for her right then. The wonder of his dimpled smile spread in her chest, warming her like a living fire.

“Dance with me, Kathryn.”

“Excuse me?”

“Dance with me. After all the hugs and kindness you’ve received today, I wouldn’t dare try the same and risk a broken nose, but let me hold you for a while before you go and get some sleep.”

He offered his hand and she took it, unsure if this was wise but finding she didn’t care. Strains of a slow, wistful piece of music flowed in the air, fitting her melancholy mood. With his arm around her waist and her hand in his, the moment was by far the biggest breach of protocol that day, but undeniably the most pleasant, too. She allowed her eyes to drift shut. Focused on the life radiating from him, breathing in his scent and his peace, the closeness was more powerful than any words could ever be. All too soon, the melody faded, but before he released her, she felt his lips in her hair and his voice next to her ear.

“You’re important to me too, Kathryn. I’m so happy to see you feel better.”

* * *


End file.
